He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My penis needs a shock collar
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize