Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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