i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
