It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize