I cockslap morals
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
