your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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