1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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