Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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