guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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