Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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