im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
