Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
