i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize