Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
