Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
