The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
