Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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