Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
