i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
