Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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