When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
