I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
