I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
