The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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