you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
