I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
