i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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