you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
