i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
