I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
