Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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