so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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