I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
