Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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