You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Sober January is a disaster.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
