I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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