Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
