I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I love you. Go after that dick
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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