Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and she was petting her beer can
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
