Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
