Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
