I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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