Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
honey bunches of taint.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
