Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
