my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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