I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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