One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
