I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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