i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
vagina is talking i cant
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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