somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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