I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
