Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
