Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
