Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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