You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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