I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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