I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
