I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
