its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
