No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
don't judge my taste in strippers
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
