my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
